The Mind Reader

I used to work with a client who would start off each session with a Category 5 meltdown over the latest escapades of her inconsiderate neighbor with whom she shared a small driveway.  Her neighbor used to park his car really close to hers, making it difficult for her to get into her car without looking like she was trying to slip into a pair of tight leather pants. Jackass, right?

One day, after a launching into a five-minute trebuchet of insults and frustration over her neighbors seeming inability to think of anyone but his stupid, loathsome self, I asked her a simple question.

“Have you spoken with him?”

She gave the same look my turtle gives me when I try to feed him anything other than top shelf red leaf lettuce.

“He should know.”

I hear this a lot and I think we’re all guilty of it from time to time: assuming that others should magically know what’s bothering us and act accordingly to set things right. It can lead to unnecessary stress in our lives, and at worst, it can destroy relationships. When was the last time you wondered aloud, “Jeepers, I wish that person would stop doing that? I mean, it’s common sense”. 

What if I told you you could greatly reduce the anxiety in your day to day life if you started one healthy practice: Stop mind reading.

In grief recovery work we call this undelivered emotional communication (The guy who keeps me in the hole in his basement who mutters about lotion and hoses gets it. If I don’t put the lotion on my skin, I’m going to get the hose again. I learned that lesson fast).

Seriously though, why do we do this? Well, we don’t like confrontation. We go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions, even to the point of engaging in self destructive behaviours like isolating, lying, drinking and flying off the handle once the liquid courage kicks in.

  

Telling someone how you feel doesn’t have to be a confrontation, but it often feels that way because of the stories we tell ourselves. We have a habit of imagining the worst. When’s the last time you got yourself worked up into a ball of anxiety because you thought someone was mad at you, only to discover the person was just having a rough week and didn’t even realize you thought anything was wrong? Try re framing your story. Instead of assuming your friend is mad at you, wouldn’t it be easier and kinder to assume your friend is just tired? If that doesn’t work for you, try something revolutionary! Calmly and with a gentle heart, ask them if everything is ok. You might be surprised at the results.

As for my client with the dastardly neighbor with the terrible parking etiquette? Well, she asked him if he could try not to park so close to her car. Much to her surprise, he told her the parking lot at his work was so congested he was always squeezing into tight spaces and didn’t even realize he was doing this when he got home. He felt awful about it. He even started brushing off her car on snowy days. All that anger, frustration and resentment melted away, but not before causing her a great deal of unnecessary anguish for over…a…year.

We could all work on our communication skills. The first step is simple enough: Communicating.

Be kind.

Joe

If you would like to learn better ways of coping with anxiety or you are grieving a loss, make an appointment with me today by going to the Therapeutics website, call the office at 506-830-6277, or contact me directly at 506-878-8303.

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