I used to work with a client who would start off each
session with a Category 5 meltdown over the latest escapades of her
inconsiderate neighbor with whom she shared a small driveway. Her neighbor used to park his car really close
to hers, making it difficult for her to get into her car without looking like
she was trying to slip into a pair of tight leather pants. Jackass, right?
One day, after a launching into a five-minute trebuchet of insults
and frustration over her neighbors seeming inability to think of anyone but his
stupid, loathsome self, I asked her a simple question.
“Have you spoken with him?”
She gave the same look my turtle gives me when I try to feed
him anything other than top shelf red leaf lettuce.
“He should know.”
I hear this a lot and I think we’re all guilty of it from
time to time: assuming that others should magically know what’s bothering us
and act accordingly to set things right. It can lead to unnecessary stress in
our lives, and at worst, it can destroy relationships. When was the last time
you wondered aloud, “Jeepers, I wish that person would stop doing that? I mean,
it’s common sense”.
What if I told you you could greatly reduce the anxiety in
your day to day life if you started one healthy practice: Stop mind reading.
In grief recovery work we call this undelivered emotional
communication (The guy who keeps me in the hole in his basement who mutters
about lotion and hoses gets it. If I don’t put the lotion on my skin, I’m going
to get the hose again. I learned that lesson fast).
Seriously though, why do we do this? Well, we don’t like
confrontation. We go to great lengths to avoid uncomfortable emotions, even to
the point of engaging in self destructive behaviours like isolating, lying,
drinking and flying off the handle once the liquid courage kicks in.
Telling someone how you feel doesn’t have to be a
confrontation, but it often feels that way because of the stories we tell ourselves.
We have a habit of imagining the worst. When’s the last time you got yourself
worked up into a ball of anxiety because you thought someone was mad at you,
only to discover the person was just having a rough week and didn’t even
realize you thought anything was wrong? Try re framing your story. Instead of assuming
your friend is mad at you, wouldn’t it be easier and kinder to assume your
friend is just tired? If that doesn’t work for you, try something
revolutionary! Calmly and with a gentle heart, ask them if everything is ok.
You might be surprised at the results.
As for my client with the dastardly neighbor with the
terrible parking etiquette? Well, she asked him if he could try not to park so
close to her car. Much to her surprise, he told her the parking lot at his work
was so congested he was always squeezing into tight spaces and didn’t even
realize he was doing this when he got home. He felt awful about it. He even
started brushing off her car on snowy days. All that
anger, frustration and resentment melted away, but not before causing her a
great deal of unnecessary anguish for over…a…year.
We could all work on our communication skills. The first step is simple enough:
Communicating.
Be kind.
Joe
If you would like to learn better ways of coping with
anxiety or you are grieving a loss, make an appointment with me today by going
to the Therapeutics website, call the office at 506-830-6277, or contact me directly at 506-878-8303.
To support my non-profit work, check out my Patreon!
To support my non-profit work, check out my Patreon!
